Sunlight Priests
Sunlight Priests
Father Fabulous, put your “Nice” in the Nicene Creed.
https://www.catholicworldreport.com/2023/03/03/sunlight-priests/
Father Michael L. Pfleger celebrating the Dec. 24, 2021 evening Mass at St. Sabina Church in Chicago, where he has been the pastor since 1981. (Image: Screen shot of St. Sabina YouTube video)
In a 2013 symposium entitled “What to Look for in a New Pope”—in a reference that Commonweal writer Paul Baumann won’t let die—former Reagan speechwriter Peggy Noonan said, “The next pope should be a man who can greet the world with a look of pleasure on his face, with a smile of joy. He should not come forward with the sad, bent posture of one who knows the world is in ruins.” Noonan also said John Paul II and Benedict XVI made the faith seem “somewhat abstract and cerebral.” Noonan wanted the next pope to “journey constantly to the outside,” to “invite sunlight” by opening the Vatican’s doors and windows.
Thanks for reminding us, Paul. So, we still need smiling sunlight popes and priests. Since you insist, here are a few suggestions.
Glad-hand people during the procession to and from Mass.
A priest must realize that people are starved for affection and look to the priest to fill the voids in their drab and wretched lives. At every Mass, he (if that is his preferred pronoun) should not miss the opportunity to greet the people as he processes to and from the altar. Make eye contact. Smile. High-five the kids. Mass should be an emotionally-fulfilling encounter with the priest.
Make eye contact and smile during ritual prayer exchanges.
In the traditional Latin Mass (Extraordinary Form), the rubrics instruct the priest to gaze down during liturgical greetings such as “Dominus vobiscum” (The Lord be with you). Sad. Priests should celebrate the moment with a broad smile and make eye contact with everyone. The gesture is essential to the weary people in the pews who look to the priest for consolation. Never be negative.
Dress casually and be accessible.
Don’t wear a chasuble during weekday Mass. Wear a flowing wide-sleeved alb, no cincture, and a rainbow stole. People love these expressions of freedom and will more readily approach you to bless gay unions.
Make jokes throughout the Mass.
The Mass is made for laughs. Joke often. A laughing congregation is a happy congregation. That’s what avoiding hell is all about. Nobody laughs in hell except — maybe — the demons–if you believe that stuff.
Show that you care.
Place the tabernacle off someplace else. Don’t let the sacred distract from you. Follow your dreams! When choosing art, take the lead from the Synod on Synodality. Contemporary art and pagan statues of Mary are hip. Enforce the exchange of the Sign of Peace option. Always go to the congregation. Hug the ladies if you’re binary, and embrace the men if you celebrate diversity.
Demonstrate your liturgical acumen.
Don’t let the rubrics get in the way of your liturgical expertise. Omit the Offertory washing of the hands (it makes you look “sinful”). Fracture the Host at the time of the Consecration. It shows you know what “broke the bread” means. Grow long hair and a beard, and try to look like Jesus!
Use technology to complement your personality.
The whole world is your stage! Rely on the Sennheiser head microphone that provides a pure, visionary sound free of intermodulation, just like Madonna’s — the pop star! You deserve it. Use a big screen TV to soothe the boredom of the kids.
Use special liturgical effects.
The Roman Missal is like an ankle shackle. Set yourself free. Do not cover the stole, the symbol of your authority, with the chasuble. Wear your power with pride over the chasuble. Use a skateboard to ride into Mass. Invite liturgical dancers to pantomime the readings. Use puppets during the homily. Trained as a mime? Do it! Love the beach? Celebrate Mass in the ocean using a surfboard as an altar. Groovy, man! And don’t forget those COVID masks!
Be diverse.
Wear a rainbow stole. OK, we get it. You’re “gay”. No worries! The funeral Mass of Cardinal Bernardin in 1996 was diverse, with the Chicago Gay Men’s Chorus providing entertainment during and after. Celebrate Cardinal Hollerich’s new anthropological studies! But know your boundaries. No need to invite a police raid. Celebrate diversity!
Celebrate equity.
Allow old women to serve at the altar while the boys and men sit in the pews. Sit down as a dozen or more lady eucharistic ministers distribute Communion. (The standard ratio is one female eucharistic minister for every five communicants.) Don’t forget the hand sanitizers. Invite the pastoral minister that identifies as a female to concelebrate Mass. What is the risk? Your bishop doesn’t care! All of us are equal, but some of us are more equal than others.
Be inclusive.
Sanitize the words of the Scriptures and the Mass. Never say “He” or “Him.” Replace gender-exclusive terms with “God.” Take the “canon” out of the Canon. Ad lib the Eucharistic prayer. Remove and replace unnerving words such as “Father,” “Lord,” “man,” “brethren,” and “beseech.” A fabulous priest can easily change these words to demonstrate pastoral sensitivity: “creator,” “redeemer,” “sanctifier,” and “brothers and sisters.” Use your imagination!
Never use the Roman Canon and avoid “damnation.” “Command that we be delivered from eternal damnation”? C’mon, this is the Twenty-First Century. As Beatles’ John Lennon—a contemporary of Peggy Noonan and aging baby boomers—famously sang:
Imagine there’s no heaven It’s easy if you try No hell below us Above us, only sky.
Father Fabulous, put your “Nice” in the Nicene Creed. Be a sunlight priest!
